Everyone has questions.
Most people want answers.
Not every answer is the one you might expect, or the one that you want.
But you should still ask it.
There is no such thing as a stupid question.
If you don’t ask, you’ll never find out,
You’ll be left wondering and wandering.
So why not just ask me?
Parents, teachers and other caring adults come to me almost every day with questions about children. They want to know why the child does the things they do and ‘what to do when’ they do it.
I do not give quick fix solutions but I do hope to give insight. When you can look past the behaviour and see what is driving it, you’ll naturally find your own way through.
The responses I post are firmly grounded in Developmental Psychology.They are meant for parents who want to understand their children from the inside out.
They are for caring adults who yearn to truly grow their children up, not to just get them to act as if they are grown up. There is a very BIG difference in that.
Approaches attempting to change the behaviour, to stamp it out as quickly as possible, are short term solutions driven by the Behaviourist principles of rewards and consequences, immediacy and consistency.
This is NOT what I am about.
I encourage parents to look at the motivation driving the child, rather than being blinded by their behaviour. Too much emphasis on what the child is doing distracts us from really going on for the child, inside of the child. When we react from this place of desperation, we miss the opportunity to meet their needs and instead we remain trapped in the cycle of reacting to their demands.
Relying on prescriptive methods that appear to bring change in the short term seldom bring with them any long lasting change. Without intending to, we work against our children. We react from what we want from them, rather than from what they need from us. In doing so, we damage our relationship, which is the foundation to everything else, and we wonder what went wrong.
My intention is to draw on common themes from the questions you ask because you are not alone. It certainly may feel as though you are, but just know that the very things you are struggling with, so are millions of others.
My hope is to bring you a different perspective, give you another lens with which to see your child because you want the very best for them. I know that is true because you came looking and found my blog. More than that, it tells me that you are intuitively feeling that they way you are going about things is not a good fit with who you are or with what you child needs. This is your opportunity to maybe get a fresh perspective, one that you hadn’t previously considered.
I do not need specifics, only general areas of interest or concern and the age of the child you are wanting to understand a little better. My specific area of study and interest is in children who are under the age of twelve, but that been said, I follow the wisdom of Dr Gordon Neufeld who says,
“Everybody grows older, not everybody grows up.”
What that means is that you cannot put a chronological age on maturity. We all know adults who continue to act as if they are still toddlers. Age is just a number whereas maturity is a long term process that is never too late to develop. We just need to understand what conditions are needed in order to grow it.
Your concerns may relate to agression, tantrums, separation, sensitivity, defiance, sibling rivalry, frustration, bed time difficulties, lying, talking back, independence, rewards, consequences, punishment, bribery, discipline, tears, relationship, sadness, shyness, peers, …or anything else. The list is endless!
You can post your concerns in the comments box. I will not publish these comments for the world to see as they are only meant to give me an idea of what the common questions are and the age range of the children parents are most interested in reading about. I will not be replying to any questions personally or specifically. When I have a common thread, and I get my act together to write a response, I will post a general reply for all to see.
I’m not sure how this will go, so let’s give it a try and see where it takes us.
Go on, just ask me.